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Diary of a Mad Housewife

My First Turkey

My First Turkey – 2011

Okay, I’m not really a housewife. I do cook dinner five nights a week and I’m married, but I also have a full-time job with a fair amount of responsibility. Also, I do not clean – at least not up to any decent standards. So not technically a “housewife.”

Faithful readers of this blog and close friends all know the stories about my mom and Thanksgiving. For years and years, my brother and I mocked her when she inherited hosting duties during our early 20s. “She’s crazy.” “Everyone stay away from the kitchen. She might implode!” “It can’t be that hard.” These are clearly the words of two brats who never had the responsibility of cooking the most important meal of the year.

Paybacks are a bitch, and after hosting my first Thanksgiving, I called my mom immediately to apologize for this behavior. Luckily, she is very forgiving.

This brings us to 2013…

August: Pittsburgh – Visiting My In-Laws

Husband: “Cheri and I would like to host Thanksgiving this year.”

Me: (possibly out loud) “We would?”

Husband: “Yes, we talked about this last Christmas.”

Me: “Hmmm, can’t recall. Maybe we did? and maybe we could have discussed it in the past eight months since – you know, before you blurted this out to your whole family.”

Side note: My in-laws are great. They offer to help, they bring a ton of food, they are very laid back, and frankly, they wouldn’t care if I served frozen turkey. They are good like that. It’s just that I’m a planner. I like to discuss and plan and then plan and discuss. My husband doesn’t love this about me…

October: Our House

Husband: “I wouldn’t have agreed to move to the suburbs if I didn’t think we would host events like this.”

Me: “Of course. It’s just that I’m still a bit shell shocked from 2011 when our only toilet exploded at 11 p.m. the night before Thanksgiving and we had eight houseguest for four days. Then I yelled at you in front of your family, stormed outside, and, oh, cooked the damn turkey upside down.”

Husband: “Why do you always have to be so negative? Other wives aren’t like this…”

Side note: He didn’t actually say that last part, but I know he was thinking it.

November: Our House – Two Weeks Before Thanksgiving

Husband: “I wish you were a little more enthusiastic about Thanksgiving.”

Me: (silently screaming into my pillow)

November: Bryn Mawr Farmers Market – Five Days Before Thanksgiving

Me: “I have to figure out what size turkey to get and determine how long it will take to defrost. We need to make sure we have enough for leftovers and Friday dinner too…”

Husband: “Fine, I will make the turkey and the entire meal.”

Me: “Huh? I’m just working through the logistics (i.e. “planning”). Why can’t we agree that Thanksgiving is a lot of responsibility and that every woman in America (not just your awful wife) has angst about this meal. I’m perfectly normal.”

P.S. – You don’t know how to cook @&^%!

P.S.S. – I’m far from normal and of course we both know this.

Side note: If you search “Stress” and “Thanksgiving”, you get 91,000,000 results on Google.

So what’s a girl to do?

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4 Comments Post a comment
  1. eleanor #

    ok…from many years of hosting and guesting..If your husband offers to cook the turkey, let him…chances are he is a very good cook, like mine…besides once in the oven and in the cooking bag, they practically cook themselves…Next…do as much preparation as possible the day or two before…most of the side dishes will keep in the fridge or ( on the cold porch). Like the cranberries, stuffing, dessert, salads…whatever. Use the microwave as much as possible to eliminate congetion in the kitchen…keep your guest entertained somewhere else and let them help with setting the table and washing the aftermath…develop a head ache and take to your bed if all goes south…

    November 25, 2013
  2. eleanor #

    congestion

    November 25, 2013
  3. Cheri #

    Yes, Wednesday night is a prep marathon. But no, I would still never trust Ryan with the turkey. He has used oven to make frozen pizza only. But he did buy the turkey and did a great job with that task. He is the cleaner – he preps the house. I prep the food. I’m just not allowed to talk about the prepping of the food:)

    November 25, 2013
  4. Gail (MIL) #

    I joked about bringing the bedside potty provided by Medicaire, for Thanksgiving “overflow”, but it can be disassembled somewhat & thrown in the trunk. Seriously!😳

    And in case Ryan didn’t pass this on to you, we are bringing 2 twin & 1 queen air mattresses with sheets & 2 sleeping bags. Also bringing towels & a drying rack for wet towels that can be left in guest “suite”.

    I am very willing to do anything that doesn’t require standing for more than 30 seconds @ a time. Will prep as much of the strawberry pretzel salad & quiches here & hopefully finish Wed. nite without needing to use oven. Please ask for anything you need that I might have!!

    Very apprehensive about riding in car for 5 hrs. but SUPER excited to come. It will be a wonderful holiday. Since I have only been out of the house twice in the past 6 wks. (Unless you count PT 3x/week), I will be thrilled being amongst someone other than H!! And for sure, he will enjoy the company of someone other than his whiny, demanding, couch potato wife.

    November 25, 2013

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